Atonement

 

Your arms were open

Your smile was kind

Your laugh was hearty

But I was blind

 

You filled our hearts with happiness

You had sweet but gentle eyes

You spoke words of goodness

But they were only lies

 

It’s like it must be someone else,

because I knew you too well

How did someone they called an angel

wander to the gates of hell?

 

Broken mirrors, glass cuts deep

Shattered reflections as you sleep

Troubled water for a troubled man

Tears of grief, tears of rage

I curse your name and then I pray

I should hate you, I should turn my back

I should forgive you, but I just can’t

 

I’ll never hear your voice like I did before I knew

that there was a sinister side to you

I can’t grieve without shame

with the crimes on your name

 

I lay in the dark, silently crying

for the ghost of a loyal friend

Broken inside, I’m still denying

but I know it’s too torn to mend

 

Maybe this was the only way

but I still wish

that it didn’t have to end

quite like this

 

Bleeding heart, burning veins,

a bitter earth so void of hope

I break for you, I break for them

a stolen illusion at the end of a rope

I wish I could just go back to sleep

But it’s my duty to stay woke

 

So I lay to rest all but my mind

and pray for resolution I won’t find

Here lies the man I used to know

but that good man died years ago

 

Answer to God, atone for your sins

Your apology came a lifetime too late

The Lord holds the map of the places you’ve been

Only He can decide your fate

—-

I originally wrote this poem to help me deal with the news that someone I had admired and respected had done something completely unforgivable, then took his own life. Part of me grieved for the man I remembered, and the other part of me hated the man he truly was. In the end, I had to accept that the man I had known was a lie. Writing this poem really helped me understand my complicated feelings about it.

Published by madforskating

Confessions of a crazy skating fangirl. Your local Pair Skating Yoda. Sometimes I write about other stuff. • 17 • Asian-American • bi • she/her

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